Oh Baby Baby
by Fyrie
Summary: Edited for new rules: Spike and Angel have a...little problem. Or more.


﻿ 
Author: Fyrie

NC-17 - English - Humor/Romance - Reviews: 8 - Publish date: 03-28-02 - Updated: 03-28-02 
storyid: 687486
  
TITLE: Oh Baby, Baby  
  
AUTHOR: Fyre  
  
RATING: Hedging on NC17, but not quite  
  
SUMMARY: Birthday fic! Angel and Spike! Babies! All you could ever want!  
  
DEDICATION: Happy Birthday Collie, its a bit late, but what the heck! - I've been ill and busy, so there's my excuse :) It's also panties, but then, that's cos I ain't seen BtVS or AtS for a month  
  
and I'm in withdrawal!  
  
____________________________________________________  
  
"Peaches, you busy?"  
  
Angel groaned under his unrequired breath. "Spike?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah...it's me...you busy?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
There was a long pause and Angel was convinced he heard the wail of a baby. Spike and a baby? Nah! It would have to be a really bad day on the Hellmouth for that to happen. "Uh...we have a bit of a problem. Seven bits of a problem..."  
  
"Can't you go to Giles or someone?"  
  
There was a humourless snort of laughter. "Yeah, mate. Did that...or tried to. See the above for the seven little bits of a problem." There was a pause, the sounds of a scuffle, a shrill wail.  
  
Finally, Spike spoke again. "I'm comin' down and you better have back-up there. We won't be able to handle this on our own. I'll be there in half an hour..."  
  
"But..." The phone rang off and Angel glared at it.  
  
Trust his wandering childe to decide to drop in with a crisis the one week that 'and Company' were away. Wesley was somewhere in England, Gunn was hanging out in the Hood - whereever that was - and Cordelia was probably sunning herself on one of many beaches.  
  
Sitting back in his seat, the dark vampire placed his feet on the edge of the desk, steepling his fingers pensively. He wouldn't let his imagination run away with him, he wouldn't try and guess what the problem was before Spike arrived, he wouldn't try and figure out how the two hours journey from Sunnydale could possibly be reduced to thirty minutes.  
  
A scream of brakes from outside of the Hyperion caught his attention, shaking him from his brood. Damnit! That was the third time today that he'd brooded for half an hour straight. Getting to his feet, he knew that it could and would only be the bleached wonder.  
  
"All right, all right, we're here." He heard the familiar English tones and braced himself for whatever was coming.  
  
Nothing in the world could have prepared him for it.  
  
"Afternoon, Peaches." His childe grinned at him, shrugging a blanket off his head and shoulder and shifting the two massive baskets he carried, one in each hand. "I brought company. Hope you don't mind..." Seven round, pink, chubby-cheeked young faces peeked over the edges of the baskets, wide- eyed and drooling.  
  
"Spike?" His hand on the desk, Angel decided he felt faint. He decided it would be better to sit down. Only to realise he was sitting on the desk already. "What...?"  
  
Crossing the room, his duster swirling, the younger vampire placed the twin wicker tubs on the desk and hoisted the first baby out of one of them. "You might recognise this little thing." He plopped the baby into his Sire's arms. The baby gaped at him, then clapped drool-soaked hands down the front of his best silk shirt. He cringed. The baby gurgled.  
  
"I don't get it..."  
  
"Look at her, mate. Really look."  
  
Bending closer and getting a sticky slap across the face, one large hand touched the downy blonde curls that scattered her head. Large hazel eyes blinked at him. Clad in an oversized Sex Pistols t-shirt, she looked ridiculous. "Please tell me that you're joking."  
  
"Hardly, mate. You think I'd go out and steal seven babies just to play a prank on you?" Recovering the blonde baby, he placed her on the floor, helping her to sit upright and handing her a rattle. "Apparently, the wicked witches were playing with their hocus-pocus again and something went a bit skew-wiff."  
  
Angel managed to blink. He was so proud.  
  
A second baby was dropped into his arms, then a third. One was blessed with red wisps of hair and a monk-like bald patch on the back of her little head. The other was as bald as a coot. "Meet the witches, when they were cuter than they are now. Tara has a bit of a dodgy tummy so..."  
  
Projectile vomiting ahoy!  
  
Spike grimaced and carefully lifted the now-wailing Tara from Angel's arms. "I probably shouldn't have given her so much milk in the car, but I couldn't find a dummy anywhere." He jiggled her against his shoulder and she settled down to gnaw on the leather collar of his duster.  
  
Willow joined Buffy on the floor. The blonde vampire continued to rock Tara, while pointing out who was who in the other quartet. One dark-haired baby boy was spread on his back, fast asleep in the bottom of the basket. Angel recognised him as a midget version of Xander. The kid still looked the same.  
  
The baby chewing vigourously on a pair of glasses didn't take too many guesses. The final two, though, were a puzzle to the vampire. One girl and one boy. The girl was curiously exploring the confines of the basket and the boy quietly sucking on one of his toes.  
  
"Who...?"  
  
"Oz and Anya." Spike shifted the murmuring Tara into the crook of his arms, tracing his fingers down her tummy. His eyes flicked occasionally to the two girls playing on the floor at his feet. "Are you beginning to see the problem here, old man? The Slayer is a bleeding baby."  
  
"Maybe we should find someone to look after them?" Angel suggested hopefully, trying not to look at the goopy mess splattered all over his chest care of the mini-witch, who was happily burbling in his childe's arms. "We don't know how to look after babies..."  
  
A low growl emanated from one of the baskets and Angel found himself with an armful of screeching Tara. "Bloody hell...I forgot it was the full moon." Spike lifted a small and growling werewolf out of the basket, carefully steering clear of claws and teeth. He grinned weakly at Angel. "Know any minders who know how to look after a werewolf?"  
  
The rattle in baby Buffy's hand sailed through the air and lodged itself in Spike's chest. She giggled and clapped her hands. He thanked his lucky stars that he had decided on plastic over wood.  
  
"Very impressive, ducks." Placing Oz-wolf-baby on the floor, he pulled the rattle from his chest and picked both Buffy and Willow up. "So, mate," He directed his question at the older vampire who was trying to figure out how Tara had managed to get upside down against his chest. "Where do we sleep?"  
  
"You can't stay here!"  
  
"Why the hell not? They're your mates and I can't look after them on me own!" A panting and grunting made the blonde look down. The little body pumping vigourously against his leg made the darker man look down. Spike couldn't help chuckling, trying not to wince as Buffy pulled on his earlobe. "Looks like you've got a friend, mate."  
  
"Not funny, Will."  
  
"Actually," Spike's blue eyes danced merrily, the mini-werewolf still happily humping Angel's leg. "It is! It's very bloody funny indeed." He deposited both girls into one of the baskets, along with baby-Giles. Retrieving Tara from the dark vampire, he placed her in beside Xander and Anya. "Now, where do we sleep?"  
  
Reluctantly looking into the basket that contained his shrunken soulmate, Angel sighed. It wasn't as if he had any choice in the matter. He had to protect the helpless and they didn't come much more helpless than those who were babies and being looked after by Spike.  
  
"All right." Bending to catch the werewolf by the scruff of the neck, he was startled when Spike smacked his hand aside and bent to capture the little bundle of fur and drool. "What was that for?"  
  
Spike glared at him. "You don't hold a baby by the neck, you twat." He cradled the mini-wolf in one arm and hoisted up one basket with the other. "Now, bring them and show us the way, old man. I have to get the brats to sleep before we can even start trying to find a way to get them back to their old selves."  
  
Once again, Angel wished that he had been staked any time in the past twenty four hours.  
  
*****  
  
Mournfully looking around his room, Angel tried not to whimper. It looked like a nursery. Apparently, Spike had collected a good number of supplies on his way from Sunnydale. Packs of diapers were lining the wall, cartons of formula carefully piled up on the chest of drawers.  
  
The blonde drifted back through from the bathroom area, the crying Anya cradled in his arms. Oz-wolf was in a small pen beside the wall and had curled up in a fluffy nest of torn pillows, that he had attacked the moment Spike had laid him on Angel's bed.  
  
Xander was sleeping again. He had woken, eaten and now, he was dead to the world. He lay on his back again, in a crib made from an oversized cardboard box, his hands curled in tiny fists on either side of his head. Giles lay in another box, next to him, one small hand clutching those familiar glasses.  
  
Buffy was sitting on the middle of the bed, naked as the day she was born, chewing on the teat of her bottle. Milk was all over her face and her bib was soaked. So was the bed. Another whimper escaped the older vampire.  
  
"Can you go and see to the witches, Peaches?" Spike settled in one of the chairs, rocking Anya gently. The baby continued to wail loudly. Spike, however, didn't seem to mind. Barefoot and wearing jeans and a t-shirt, he seemed perfectly comfortable in his completely surreal surroundings.  
  
"Why me?"  
  
Spike glanced up briefly, then returned his attention to the child in his arms. "Because I already bathed all the others and fed 'em." He retrieved one of the many bottles and offered it to Anya, who accepted eagerly, chewing on the teat and drooling milk all over her clean t-shirt. "All you have to do is wash them and dry them. I'll put the nappies on. It's not like I haven't done that before."  
  
Resisting the urge to ask how the blonde knew how to look after babies, Angel nervously entered the bathroom area, to see the two small girls sitting in the bottom of the shower, smacking the water around them with their chubby little hands. He almost smiled. This wouldn't be so hard.  
  
In the bedroom, the blonde chuckled at the yells of indignation from the bathroom. Winding Anya, he carefully carried her to the blanket-lined box that would serve as her bed and laid her down. She didn't wake up and he sighed with relief, tucking her in gently.  
  
"C'mere, ducks." He turned his attention to Buffy, who hurled her rattle at him again. "Oy, luv!" He caught her and tossed her up in the air. "That wasn't very nice!" She shrieked, giggling. Tossing her up again, he caught her in his hands and shook her playfully. "And now, little lady," Dropping her towards his face, he pretended to nibble on her belly. "I'm going to eat you up!"  
  
Screeching happily, she grabbed his hair and tugged on it. Spike couldn't help grinning, vamping and growling at her. She growled back, drooling all over the front of her bib.  
  
"Holy shit!"  
  
"Angelus!"  
  
The older vampire staggered through from the shower room, a wriggling, giggling, naked, soaking and slippery baby girl clutched under each arm, his hair plastered to his face, his clothing plastered to his body. It didn't take a genius to observe that the dark vampire was probably wetter than the two babies in his care.  
  
"What is it now?" He growled, depositing both infants on the bed, uncaring if the blankets got any more ruined than they already were. "Was I carrying them wrong again?"  
  
Both Willow and Tara had started to wail. Spike quickly deposited one Slayer baby for an armful of two witches. "No, you twit! You swore in front of the babies!" Angel gaped at him, as he settled one soggy girl in one arm, one in the other. Buffy chewed her fist and threw her rattle. Angel was staked.  
  
Already soaked to the skin, Angel growled in frustration. Pulling the rattle from his chest, he threw it on the floor with unnecessary violence. The plastic split and the contents spilled out. Buffy peered over the edge of the bed at her toy and began to scream.  
  
"Christ, Angelus, you really do have a way with kids, don't you?" Snagging one of the sheets from the bed to wrap around the baby witches in his arms, Spike managed to fit a third baby into his lap, bouncing the tiny Slayer up and down on his knees. "Well, don't just stand there...get me some clothes for them."  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"Blue bag, third from the left, five feet from the door. Give me three nappies while you're at it."  
  
"Nappies?"  
  
"Diapers, bum-bags...y'know..." The blonde was already drying the two newly- washed wiccas. Both had stopped crying. Buffy had settled down to chew on the vampire's jacket, sitting at his feet again.  
  
His requirements passed to him, Spike quickly dressed each of the triad of infants in his care, then glanced expectantly towards Angel.  
  
"You going to help?"  
  
Although the instinctive reply would be something about tossing him out on his ass, the sight of his childe cradling two babies and surrounded by half a dozen more was simply something he couldn't resist. Perfect blackmail material.  
  
He wanted to get rid of them. He was wet. His bathroom was flooded. His hair needed done again and God only knew how long that took. He couldn't stand kids because when he vamped, it didn't make them cower and obey him. He found baby-Buffy watching him, blinking. "What do I  
  
have to do?"  
  
Baby-Buffy found her way into his arms and a bottle was pushed into his hand. "Feed her and get her to sleep. Tara's still poorly, so I'll sort her out."  
  
Nodding, his shirt uncomfortable against his skin, she held her awkwardly and offered the teat. She gaped at him, then started to suck. He was captivated at once. The way her little cheeks sucked inwards and her eyes widened, her little mouth trying to keep a grip on the teat.  
  
Would this have been what his child would have been like if he and Buffy had...?  
  
He cut off the line of thought, biting the inside of his lip and focusing on the baby. It would never have worked out anyway. She would probably have died within years and now, here he was holding her and feeding her. He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.  
  
Spike was walking back and forth quietly across the room, Tara held to his shoulder. Her eyes were closed and the dark vampire was convinced he heard his childe murmuring a song to the tiny baby. Slowing, he bent and gently laid the sleeping girl in another of the box-beds, tucking her in.  
  
Moving to kneel beside Angel, he gave his Sire a tired half-smile. "Let me get her for you." He offered, sliding his hand under the drowsy infant's arms and lifting her up. She stirred and he  
  
quickly laid her against his shoulder, rubbing her back with one hand. A loud belch sounded and the blonde chuckled. "That's better, eh, luv?"  
  
He paced for a few minutes, then glanced at Angel for confirmation that she was sleeping. The seventh and final of the children was safely tucked away for the night and the blonde sank onto the end of the bed.  
  
"You okay?" It had been a long time since he had seen his childe so tired.  
  
"Mmm." Spike flopped back on the mattress, spreading his arms. "I s'pose you wanna know what happened?" Angel shrugged. "I haven't got a bloody clue...arrived at the magick shoppe this morning and found 'em like that. Wolfboy had been visiting and I guess the witches were showing off."  
  
Taking off his dripping shirt, Angel tossed it towards the puddle spreading from the shower. "How long do you think it'll last?"  
  
"No clue, mate, but I'm not leaving them til they're normal again." Rolling onto his belly, Spike buried his face in the pillows for a moment. Then he glanced over at his Sire, a faintly hopeful look in is eyes. "I know we're not mates or anything like that but..." He looked almost nervous. "My back's killing me...I had to fight passed a demon to get them and it hurts like hell..."  
  
"You want the old Sire's touch to rub it better?" Angel half-chuckled, moving to sit on the edge of the mattress. "Lemme take a look." He knew he should probably leave his childe to it, but with Spike looking after his old friends, he felt he had a strange duty to look after Spike.  
  
The blonde pulled his shirt off and flopped down again. His back was one massive black bruise, several cuts striping across his ribs and spine. "Mess, innit?"  
  
"Not pretty." Angel agreed quietly. Spike had fought a demon and ended up with injuries like this to save a flock of screaming babies? "Why did you go and get them, Spike? I mean, how did you know it was them?"  
  
The blonde would have shrugged. "They're babies, Angelus." He murmured sleepily. "Never liked to see a baby gettin' bumped off...it weren't right..." He winced as Angel probed the wounds with his fingers, withdrawing several spiny scales from the narrow cuts.  
  
"You never cease to surprise me, Spike." He remarked, sitting back.  
  
The blonde vampire didn't reply, already asleep.  
  
*****  
  
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"  
  
"Uh...wassat?" The brunette vampire jerked upright.  
  
Then he remembered the occurrence of only a few hours before. Pushing himself out from beneath the sheets, his feet were silent on the floor as he made his way through the deserted halls towards the room that was formerly known as his. The door was open and a soft light was shining through it.  
  
Spike was sitting, shirtless and cross-legged, on the bed. Anya was cradled in his arms, chewing on his fingers and whimpering loudly. There was a wrinkle of concern in the blond vampire's brow, his eyes focused on the girl's face. "What is it, pet?" He murmured. "What's the matter?"  
  
"Anything I can help with?" Standing in the doorway, Angel looked around at the spread of boxes. Oz-wolfcub was curled up in his little pen.  
  
Spike shook his head. "Anya's upset about something...I don't know what." He frowned again, rocking the girl in his arms gently. "She won't eat, she's not wet, she not got wind. I think she might be teething..." He yelped as something sharp in her mouth nipped his finger. "Correction, she is teething."  
  
"And what do we do about that?"  
  
"Teething gel...or something cold and soft for her to chew..."  
  
The darker vampire nodded, rubbing his eyes. "I'll see what I've got in the refridgerator." He wove down the stairs and wandered around aimlessly, finding a chew ring and a tube of some kind of gel in the refrigerator. He couldn't help smiling sleepily. Trust Spike to pick up the wrong kind of gel by mistake.  
  
He was halfway up the stairs when he started to wonder if Spike really had made a mistake. A surge of memories rose, uncalled for, remembering the days when he had had the shy and nervous William to himself. An surge of something else rose elsewhere and he groaned.  
  
Entering the room, he stopped short and the rising started all over again.  
  
Spike was asleep on his side. Anya was in a cradle formed by one of his arms, chewing on his knuckles. Moving closer, Angel carefully sat down on the edge of the bed and slipped the chew ring into Anya's small fist. To his surprise, Spike's free arm flung outwards and curled around his waist.  
  
Shifting, he lay down opposite his childe, the blonde's arm resting over his hip. "There's my Will." He spoke softly, brushing the blonde's unruly hair back from his brow.  
  
Between them, Anya ruined the moment perfectly, by burping loudly.  
  
Chuckling, Angel moved again, slipping from th bed. He bent and pressed a soft kiss to Spke's brow. "Sleep well, William. I expect great things of you in the morning."  
  
Closing the door behind him as he left the room, he almost smiled.  
  
*****  
  
"Gunn! Thank God!"  
  
Charles Gunn stopped short in the doorway, staring at his 'employer', then he started to grin. With a sleeping baby in one arm and another trying to escape over his shoulder, the vampire  
  
couldn't possibly look less vampire-like. "Man, you know you got a baby or two there, right?"  
  
"You don't say." Juggling the two, Xander and Oz-baby, he was relieved when Gunn caught the wriggling Oz. "We've got a problem. Buffy and six of her friends have been turned into babies... can you help?"  
  
Gunn stared at him for a long moment.  
  
Then he started to laugh.  
  
Not the usual quiet chuckle, but full blown, side-clutching, hysterical laughter.  
  
"You gotta be shittin' me! You're lookin' after a buncha babies? And you want me to help?" Angel's face fell. "Look, man, I appreciate it when you send a bit of work my way, but demons, not little white rugrats. Why don't ya call Cordy? Chicks go crazy for kids."  
  
She's on vacation." Angel muttered bitterly. "She hung up on me."  
  
Gunn chuckled, carefully depositing the baby-Oz back in Angel's arms. "Well, man, I gotta follow her example and split." he glanced at the sleeping infant. "And you might wanna check his diaper, okay? Just a bit of friendly advice." With a wink, the demon-fighter turned  
  
and bounded out of the hotel.  
  
"Well, that went well." Spike's voice drifted through from the office. "Aw, crap..."  
  
The brunette was in the office in an instant, to see the tail end of a yellow-tinted fountain spurting from baby Giles. The target was the unmissable face of a peroxide blonde that had been looming barely centimeters above him and was now currently dripping wet and ridged.  
  
The clean nappy below the baby way also soaked through.  
  
Angel started to laugh.  
  
Spike glared, which only made the vampire laugh louder and harder.  
  
"What're you laughing at?" He demanded, wiping his face with a towel and replacing the nappy beneath Giles all in one motion. Giles continued to munch happily on his glasses.  
  
"You." Angel grinned, depositing Oz in the playpen with the four girls.  
  
"Not funny, pet." Spike scooped Giles up and balanced him on his knees. "If you wanna piss a fountain at someone, next time, aim for the poofball there." He pointed the infant's face in Angel's direction. Giles blinked at him, then looked at Spike and started to wail.  
  
Angel couldn't help laughing, more loudly than before.  
  
Until the scent of Xander's nappy reached him. Then, it was Spike's turn to laugh, as he plugged the whining Giles' mouth with a bottle. "Your turn to change him, big daddy." Angel glanced at him for the choice of nickname.  
  
"What does that make you? Little Daddy?"  
  
Spike glanced up at him. "It fits." He replied quietly, then turned his attention to the playpen, where a battle had broken out. Giles clutched his bottle, as Spike hauled Tara out of the mass of  
  
girls. "Tara! What have I told you about snatching Willow's pussy?"  
  
Tara blinked at him and started to squall, as Angel started to laugh again, despite his precarious position, bent over Xander and armed with towelets.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Tara snatched Willow's pussy." The older vampire sniggered.  
  
Spike gave him a reproving look, but bit his lip to hide a grin. "You're a randy old pervert."  
  
"You're surprised, Will?" He gave the younger vampire a lavicious look, then yelled in indignation as something hot and wet soaked through the material of his shirt. "Xander Harris, I am going to kill you!"  
  
*****  
  
"All sleeping?"  
  
"Finally." Spike nodded, sinking down on the couch beside Angel. "I think Anya's gums are still hurting her." He flexed his neck, rubbing it tiredly.  
  
Patting the spot on the couch between his knees, Angel gestured for Spike to sit there. "Let me get that." His large hands moved on the younger vampire's stiff neck, fingers and thumbs skimming the familiar planes of smooth, white skin. "Tired, are ya, William?"  
  
"What gave you that idea?" Sinking to his knees on the floor, Spike sighed.  
  
"I haven't felt you this tense in a long time."  
  
"You haven't felt me period, in a long time." Spike murmured, his arms resting on Angel's knees.  
  
A silence fell, Angel's fingers working away the knots and tension in the younger vampire's shoulders and neck. Spike released the occasional little sigh, his fingertips kneading his Sire's knees. His head lolled to one side, his blue eyes closed lightly.  
  
Bending forward, Angel nuzzled his childe's throat, felt the blonde murmur contentedly. "It's been a long time, Will." He breathed softly, his mouth close to Spike's ear.  
  
"It has." Spike slowly turned to face him, blue eyes meeting brown. "I-I missed you, Sire." Rising on his knees, he pressed his mouth to Angel's, wrapping his arms around the older vampire's body. Angel's lips opened to him and their tongues met in a duel for dominance.  
  
Until Angel broke away, panting.  
  
"No...I can't do this, Will...I'm sorry...not with..."  
  
"Not with me. I get it. You just want Buffy now." He received a tight smile. "Got it."  
  
Angel gaped as his childe scrambled to his feet and practically flew from the room. "Uh, no...I can't when the babies are next door..." He finished. He pushed himself to his feet and sighed.  
  
Either way, he had some serious apologising to do.  
  
The blonde was lying on his side on the bed, surrounded by boxes of sleeping babies, when Angel entered. "Spike?"  
  
"Go away."  
  
"I want to talk to you."  
  
"What part of go away don't you get?" He flinched as Angel lay down on the mattress alongside him. "What?"  
  
Angel ran a hand over Spike's hip. "You know, I heard that married couples can't have sex for weeks after a baby is born cos they're afraid they'll wake them up..." He commented.  
  
"Uh...?" The blonde moved to face him and was caught in a fierce kiss.  
  
"Wanna give the babies something that'll really scar them for life?" Angel's eyes were nearly black with need and his voice dripped with suggestive promise. One hand slid to cup the prominent bulge at the front of Spike's jeans and the blonde's eyes bulged. "Well, Will?"  
  
Spike tugged Angel's mouth hard against his. "It's been far too long, Sire." He whispered, nipping and biting his way to Angel's throat as he tore the dark vampire's shirt aside. He groaned as Angel's hand slid beneath the waistband of his jeans and squeezed his growing erection.  
  
"You took the words right out of my mouth." One hand unfastened the younger vampire's jeans, his other cradling Spike's head as their lips met again. Almost a century since they had last had a chance to play without the jealous Darla and Drusilla intervening.  
  
Clothing was scattered to the four winds and Angel's hand was groping for the tube of gel that he had managed to leave on the bedside locker the night before, when there was a brilliant blaze of  
  
light.  
  
"Bloody hell...why am I wearing a nappy?"  
  
Both vampires stared at each for a long moment, then slowly looked around the room at the half-clad adult humans who were laying around. Spike flopped back against the pillows with a groan. Angel managed a sheepish grin, before pulling a sheet over himself.  
  
"We can explain..." 


End file.
